It is my belief that the words we use reflect the way we think and this in turn affects
how we feel and behave. Therefore, it can be very important to not take our words for
granted. Despite the fact that certain words and phrases are used commonly in the
English language, we do not always choose the best words in our communication with
others or in our discussions with our therapists. This is the purpose of this page - to
illustrate how, as verbal people, words can affect the quality of our lives.
Source unknown, translation by Christian Wolff
Consider the words and commentary presented below:
Optimal and Sub-Optimal: I find these words to be very effective substitutes for some
of the words we use in assessing ourselves, our believes, our choices, our behaviors
and so on. Some of the word pairs which are less effective include:
Use of "optimal" and "sub-optimal" also helps us to avoid sub-optimal black/white
thinking and the unnecessary catastrophization of things which do not work out exactly
as we wish. There are so many merits to the use of the words, "optimal" and "sub-
optimal" that I cannot address them all in the space I am willing to dedicate to them on
this page.
Discrimination: In most parts of our society, this is considered a "bad" word. We think
of it in terms of prejudice. We relate it to racism, sexism, and so on. Unfortunately,
when we use the word "discrimination" we are often talking about "indiscrimination."
Indiscrimination is when we believe everyone in a certain group are the same. When
we can tell the difference between one New Yorker and another, one depressed
person from another, one gay person and another, this is discrimination. When we are
discriminating, we can tell differences - real differences, and being able to do this is a
very important skill in living life optimally.
Judgement and Prejudice: Often we equate these two words and consider them both
to be sub-optimal. We believe that therapists and the authors of self-help books are
advising us not to be judgemental. Judgement and prejudice are very different things
and it will be optimal fro you to be able to discriminate between the two.
In brief, "judgement" is a fair assessment of those things which are important to us.
"Judgement" is an important part of optimal decision-making and it requires an ability
to discriminate. "Prejudice," on the other hand can be understood as "pre-
judgement." That is, it is judgement which is made without close examination of the
facts. It is indiscriminate and in the long run, sub-optimal.
Preference and requirement: Through discrimination and judgement, we develop our
preferences. We develop beliefs about those things which would be optimal. We
develop ideas about those things which, alternatively, would be sub-optimal. Contrast
this with some of the other words we use which often do not serve us well:
We can still make choices which are in line with our preferences, but the fact is, we do
not control everything. When things don't go our way, our suffering is increased if we
focus on our inability to make things happen as they should, ought, or must. With
other people, should, ought, and must, often create inflexibility, opposition, and
distraction from productive and realistic problem solving.
Feel, Feeling, and feelings: This an extremely problematic word in the English
language. There are often very strong emotions associated with this word. People
tend to want their feelings respected and in their efforts to attain this respect, they
often encounter much misunderstanding. We use the words "feel," or "feeling" to
mean a variety of things:
If we wish for others to understood more quickly and accurately, it would behoove us
to be discriminative in our use of the words "feel," "feeling," and "feelings." Consider
these alternatives:
Reality: Philosophers and scientists and others have been working on this word
before there were even words. I am going to write about this only briefly and only to
the extent to which I believe it contributes to sub-optimal communication. "Reality" is
a political word with some people believing they have a better grasp on it than others.
We have heard phrases such as, "Yes, but let's be realistic," "Get real," and, "He is
completely out of touch with reality." When people pull this trump card, they expect to
intimidate any one who is afraid of being out of touch with reality or of being thought of
as being out of touch with reality. In heated disagreement, arguments about reality are
usually fruitless. Only when the nature of reality is being discussed in a civil and
sincere manner is it even a useful word. Discussed in a civil and sincere manner, the
nature of reality can be an endlessly stimulating thing to think and talk about. I advise
you never let anyone challenge your views on reality if they are doing so in a
disrespectful manner.
Absolutist words: "Absolute" means completely and without exception. There are few
things, if any, that have absolutely no exceptions or variations, unconsidered or
undiscovered facets, or are known past, present, and future. All of science operates
on predictions and probabilities. This is a difficult idea to think about because
absolutist statements are often made. Take for example, the statement, "Nothing is
absolute." If you agree with this, you may counter with the statement, "Well, some
things are absolute," and although it would seem like a counter statement, it is, at the
same time, consistent with the idea that nothing is absolute. Nevertheless, in ordinary
conversation, absolutist words do not facilitate optimal thinking or communication.
Consider these words:
Even if these things are true, it is unlikely that these words will facilitate reconciliation,
and discussion is likely to become argumentative and taken off track. That is, use of
absolutist terms tend to be sub-optimal. Use of these words contribute to prejudice
and what use do you have for a discussion in which someone has already developed a
strong opinion from which they will not budge? In addition to the manner in which we
communicate, it can be helpful to examine the way we think. Absolutist terms can be
challenged, and though this can be difficult if an argument is already in full swing. We
may ask of the other and we may ask of ourselves, "Is that true?" "Is that always the
case?" Looking for the exception to the rule can give us clues to how we may alter
our course for the better and facilitate more productive and civil discourse.
Qualifiers, context, and if/then: Agreement can be more easily reached if we use
words which put our statements in context. For example, I might tell my friend, "I know
you are not drunk every time I see you, but it seems to me that, lately, it has been more
often than not. What do you think?" Or, "I'm not saying you ignore me all the time, but
whenever we go to a ball game, these days, it seems you do." Or, " I have no doubt
you love me. You treat me with such affection most of the time, but we haven't had sex
in six weeks and I miss that." Do you see how qualifiers can establish context? It is in
context that truth can be more readily discerned. Things may not be absolutely true,
but they may be true in certain contexts which brings us to "if / then." "If you want to
graduate from college, then you must complete your classes and get passing grades."
You don't have to go to have to complete your classes, and you don't have to graduate
from college, but if you wish to graduate college, then you must complete your classes
with passing grades. If you want to make an omelet, then you must break some eggs.
You, I, they, them, us, and we: Who are you talking about? Be clear about this in your
thinking and in your speech. Although you may presume that a person is speaking
about himself or herself, when they say "you," as in, "When you go to the mall there is
always a security guard there who gives you a dirty look." You yourself may have had a
different experience and here begins the confusion. Despite our general
understanding that "you" either means the speaker (or their assertion that this is true
for everybody), you may become confused as to who, exactly, they are speaking about.
Better they say, "When I go to the mall, there is sometimes a security guard there who
gives me a dirty look." When you are truly speaking to another person about them,
then use the word "you." Otherwise, use "I" in what most therapists will refer to as "I -
statements." Being careful with this can facilitate clearer and more productive
communication as well as clearer and more productive thought.
When using the words "us" or "we," make sure you either use qualifiers or are in
agreement, following consultation, with the other party or parties.
"Them" and "they" present similar problems, but often on a larger and more "invisible"
scale. "Them" is often divisive (as in "us and them") and is based upon the same
broad prejudicial generalizations as found in the use of the word "us." The extra
problem with the careless use of the word "them" is that we are generally at odds with
"them" and are not in a position to ask if we can speak on "their" behalf. Again, for the
sake of clarity in our thinking and in our speech, use this word only when it can be
clear as in, "Jim and Judy are coming over and I am going to get a ride with them."
"They" creates a lot of invisible problems because we usually do not know who "they"
are. "They say Portland is a progressive city." "Did you hear they're going to send a
man to Mars?" "They say you shouldn't bite your fingernails." Who are "they?" This
word creates so many invisible (unrecognized) problems in thought, communication,
and on a broader social level, that I cannot enumerate them all in the space I am willing
to devote to this matter.
Soon to come:
Rhetorical questions
Morals, Ethics, and Values
Hearing, listening, understanding, and agreement
Requests and demands
Subtext
Contracted phrases and terms
Requests and demands
You know what I'm saying?
how we feel and behave. Therefore, it can be very important to not take our words for
granted. Despite the fact that certain words and phrases are used commonly in the
English language, we do not always choose the best words in our communication with
others or in our discussions with our therapists. This is the purpose of this page - to
illustrate how, as verbal people, words can affect the quality of our lives.
- Be careful of your words, for they may reflect and influence your thoughts.
- Be careful of your thoughts, for they may be followed by your actions and your
feelings. - Be careful of your actions and your feelings, for without awareness, they may
influence your habits. - Be careful of your unconscious habits, for they may develop into your character
over time. - Be careful of the development of your character, for it may determine the course
of your life.
Source unknown, translation by Christian Wolff
Consider the words and commentary presented below:
Optimal and Sub-Optimal: I find these words to be very effective substitutes for some
of the words we use in assessing ourselves, our believes, our choices, our behaviors
and so on. Some of the word pairs which are less effective include:
- Good and Bad
- Right and Wrong
Use of "optimal" and "sub-optimal" also helps us to avoid sub-optimal black/white
thinking and the unnecessary catastrophization of things which do not work out exactly
as we wish. There are so many merits to the use of the words, "optimal" and "sub-
optimal" that I cannot address them all in the space I am willing to dedicate to them on
this page.
Discrimination: In most parts of our society, this is considered a "bad" word. We think
of it in terms of prejudice. We relate it to racism, sexism, and so on. Unfortunately,
when we use the word "discrimination" we are often talking about "indiscrimination."
Indiscrimination is when we believe everyone in a certain group are the same. When
we can tell the difference between one New Yorker and another, one depressed
person from another, one gay person and another, this is discrimination. When we are
discriminating, we can tell differences - real differences, and being able to do this is a
very important skill in living life optimally.
Judgement and Prejudice: Often we equate these two words and consider them both
to be sub-optimal. We believe that therapists and the authors of self-help books are
advising us not to be judgemental. Judgement and prejudice are very different things
and it will be optimal fro you to be able to discriminate between the two.
In brief, "judgement" is a fair assessment of those things which are important to us.
"Judgement" is an important part of optimal decision-making and it requires an ability
to discriminate. "Prejudice," on the other hand can be understood as "pre-
judgement." That is, it is judgement which is made without close examination of the
facts. It is indiscriminate and in the long run, sub-optimal.
Preference and requirement: Through discrimination and judgement, we develop our
preferences. We develop beliefs about those things which would be optimal. We
develop ideas about those things which, alternatively, would be sub-optimal. Contrast
this with some of the other words we use which often do not serve us well:
- Should
- Ought
- Must
We can still make choices which are in line with our preferences, but the fact is, we do
not control everything. When things don't go our way, our suffering is increased if we
focus on our inability to make things happen as they should, ought, or must. With
other people, should, ought, and must, often create inflexibility, opposition, and
distraction from productive and realistic problem solving.
Feel, Feeling, and feelings: This an extremely problematic word in the English
language. There are often very strong emotions associated with this word. People
tend to want their feelings respected and in their efforts to attain this respect, they
often encounter much misunderstanding. We use the words "feel," or "feeling" to
mean a variety of things:
- A bodily sensation, as in "I feel a tightness in my shoulders," or "I touched the
doorknob and it felt cold."
- A belief, as in "I feel I am ready for college," or "I feel God is on our side."
- An opinion, as in, "I feel like they didn't care what I had to say", or "I feel the
election was not conducted fairly."
- An emotion, as in "I am feeling sad about the death of my sister," or "I feel angry
about not getting a raise this year."
- An inability or unwillingness to strive for clarity, as in "I don't know, I just feel it
that's all," or "I don't know, that's just how I've always felt about it."
- An intention, proposition, assertion, or request as in, "I'll do the dishes when I
feel like it," or "I feel like going out tonight."
- An intuition, intimation, or prediction about the future, as in "I feel his presence
somewhere in the neighborhood," or "I feel it is going to rain less this year than
it did last year,"or "I feel a very bad vibe in that house."
If we wish for others to understood more quickly and accurately, it would behoove us
to be discriminative in our use of the words "feel," "feeling," and "feelings." Consider
these alternatives:
- "Is" as in "There is a tightness in my shoulders," or "The doorknob is cold."
- "Belief" or "believe" as in "I believe I am ready for college," or " I believe God is
on our side."
- "Opinion" or "it seems" as in, "It seems to me like they didn't care what I had to
say, or "In my opinion, the election was not conducted fairly."
- "Am" as in "I am sad about the death of my sister," or "I am angry about not
getting a raise this year."
- "Unable," "unwilling," or "unclear" as in "I am unable to understand what you are
saying," or "I am unwilling to think of it in that way," or " I don't know. I am unclear
about how I came to believe that about her."
- "Will," "would," or "want" as in, "I will do the dishes when I want to," or "I would
like to go out tonight. What do you want? Will you come with me if I go?"
- "I can't explain it," or "prediction" as in "I can't explain it but I believe he is
somewhere in the neighborhood," or "I predict it is going to rain less this year
than it did last year," or "I can't explain it, but I believe we'd find trouble if we
went back into that house, and I am usually right about these things."
Reality: Philosophers and scientists and others have been working on this word
before there were even words. I am going to write about this only briefly and only to
the extent to which I believe it contributes to sub-optimal communication. "Reality" is
a political word with some people believing they have a better grasp on it than others.
We have heard phrases such as, "Yes, but let's be realistic," "Get real," and, "He is
completely out of touch with reality." When people pull this trump card, they expect to
intimidate any one who is afraid of being out of touch with reality or of being thought of
as being out of touch with reality. In heated disagreement, arguments about reality are
usually fruitless. Only when the nature of reality is being discussed in a civil and
sincere manner is it even a useful word. Discussed in a civil and sincere manner, the
nature of reality can be an endlessly stimulating thing to think and talk about. I advise
you never let anyone challenge your views on reality if they are doing so in a
disrespectful manner.
Absolutist words: "Absolute" means completely and without exception. There are few
things, if any, that have absolutely no exceptions or variations, unconsidered or
undiscovered facets, or are known past, present, and future. All of science operates
on predictions and probabilities. This is a difficult idea to think about because
absolutist statements are often made. Take for example, the statement, "Nothing is
absolute." If you agree with this, you may counter with the statement, "Well, some
things are absolute," and although it would seem like a counter statement, it is, at the
same time, consistent with the idea that nothing is absolute. Nevertheless, in ordinary
conversation, absolutist words do not facilitate optimal thinking or communication.
Consider these words:
- Always, as in "She always leaves the room when I want to talk about our
relationship." - Never, as in "He never does anything romantic for me."
- Every, as in "Every time I try to do something romantic, she tells me that it's not
good enough." - All, as in "All you ever do is complain"
Even if these things are true, it is unlikely that these words will facilitate reconciliation,
and discussion is likely to become argumentative and taken off track. That is, use of
absolutist terms tend to be sub-optimal. Use of these words contribute to prejudice
and what use do you have for a discussion in which someone has already developed a
strong opinion from which they will not budge? In addition to the manner in which we
communicate, it can be helpful to examine the way we think. Absolutist terms can be
challenged, and though this can be difficult if an argument is already in full swing. We
may ask of the other and we may ask of ourselves, "Is that true?" "Is that always the
case?" Looking for the exception to the rule can give us clues to how we may alter
our course for the better and facilitate more productive and civil discourse.
Qualifiers, context, and if/then: Agreement can be more easily reached if we use
words which put our statements in context. For example, I might tell my friend, "I know
you are not drunk every time I see you, but it seems to me that, lately, it has been more
often than not. What do you think?" Or, "I'm not saying you ignore me all the time, but
whenever we go to a ball game, these days, it seems you do." Or, " I have no doubt
you love me. You treat me with such affection most of the time, but we haven't had sex
in six weeks and I miss that." Do you see how qualifiers can establish context? It is in
context that truth can be more readily discerned. Things may not be absolutely true,
but they may be true in certain contexts which brings us to "if / then." "If you want to
graduate from college, then you must complete your classes and get passing grades."
You don't have to go to have to complete your classes, and you don't have to graduate
from college, but if you wish to graduate college, then you must complete your classes
with passing grades. If you want to make an omelet, then you must break some eggs.
You, I, they, them, us, and we: Who are you talking about? Be clear about this in your
thinking and in your speech. Although you may presume that a person is speaking
about himself or herself, when they say "you," as in, "When you go to the mall there is
always a security guard there who gives you a dirty look." You yourself may have had a
different experience and here begins the confusion. Despite our general
understanding that "you" either means the speaker (or their assertion that this is true
for everybody), you may become confused as to who, exactly, they are speaking about.
Better they say, "When I go to the mall, there is sometimes a security guard there who
gives me a dirty look." When you are truly speaking to another person about them,
then use the word "you." Otherwise, use "I" in what most therapists will refer to as "I -
statements." Being careful with this can facilitate clearer and more productive
communication as well as clearer and more productive thought.
When using the words "us" or "we," make sure you either use qualifiers or are in
agreement, following consultation, with the other party or parties.
"Them" and "they" present similar problems, but often on a larger and more "invisible"
scale. "Them" is often divisive (as in "us and them") and is based upon the same
broad prejudicial generalizations as found in the use of the word "us." The extra
problem with the careless use of the word "them" is that we are generally at odds with
"them" and are not in a position to ask if we can speak on "their" behalf. Again, for the
sake of clarity in our thinking and in our speech, use this word only when it can be
clear as in, "Jim and Judy are coming over and I am going to get a ride with them."
"They" creates a lot of invisible problems because we usually do not know who "they"
are. "They say Portland is a progressive city." "Did you hear they're going to send a
man to Mars?" "They say you shouldn't bite your fingernails." Who are "they?" This
word creates so many invisible (unrecognized) problems in thought, communication,
and on a broader social level, that I cannot enumerate them all in the space I am willing
to devote to this matter.
Soon to come:
Rhetorical questions
Morals, Ethics, and Values
Hearing, listening, understanding, and agreement
Requests and demands
Subtext
Contracted phrases and terms
Requests and demands
You know what I'm saying?
Talk Different
Sometimes, we must shed the old before
we can have room for the new. Our
speech habits may be like this. However it
is that you usually communicate, practice
"talking different."
Certainly you want to be a more effective
communicator and a more effective
thinker, but as you are trying to master
new ways, try shedding some old ways
and experiment with speaking in any way
which is different than your usual way.
Use discretion, but have fun. Much of our
finest learning comes from our own
discovery.
11 Common
Thinking Errors
Click Here
Sometimes, we must shed the old before
we can have room for the new. Our
speech habits may be like this. However it
is that you usually communicate, practice
"talking different."
Certainly you want to be a more effective
communicator and a more effective
thinker, but as you are trying to master
new ways, try shedding some old ways
and experiment with speaking in any way
which is different than your usual way.
Use discretion, but have fun. Much of our
finest learning comes from our own
discovery.
11 Common
Thinking Errors
Click Here
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| The Importance of • Vocabulary • In Psychotherapy |
| Christian Wolff, Psy.A., Portland Psychologist Associate • Psychotherapist & Counselor 820 NW 21st Avenue, Suite B. Portland.Oregon. 97209. 503.381.2032. christian@christianwolff.com |