| Christian Wolff, Psy.A., Portland Psychologist Associate • Psychotherapist & Counselor 820 NW 21st Avenue, Suite B. Portland.Oregon. 97209. 503.381.2032. christian@christianwolff.com |
| 12 Twelve Steps |
Twelve Step programs date back to 1939 and have been surrounded by a lot of controversy.
Originally associated with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), 12 step programs have become part the
support structure surrounding the treatment of dozens of problems which have been thought to
be "addictive" in nature. Most people have heard of at least of a few, all of which seem to end
with the word "anonymous." There is Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Over-eaters Anonymous (OA),
Gamblers Anonymous ... and many of these add " -aholic" to the name of those struggling with
some issue in order to identify those issues as problems. There is Sexoholics Anonymous,
Workaholics Anonymous, Rageaholics Anonymous, Chocoholics Anonymous, and so on.
My personal complaint about these twelve step programs is the way they've managed to butcher
the English language. This, does not, however, mean that 12 step programs cannot be an
effective means by which to accomplish real and substantial change.
I am well aware of the complaints many have about 12 step programs. Often, it is thought to be
too religious, requiring a belief in god. Some have considered the groups to be cultish, proposing
that "the 12 steps" are the only way. Some object to the idea that "once a _____aholic, always a
_____aholic." Still others have focused on the specifics of their problem area rather than the
general principles of the 12 steps and have created separatist splits with beliefs (for instance)
that alcoholics and drug addicts should not attend the same meetings. Some have taken great
issue with the value (or lack thereof) of "admitting they are helpless to control their lives."
The Twelve Steps as Stages of Change
Breaking change down into a series of steps is something that has made change possible since
the beginning of time. Whether this has happened in nature or by design, it is the same. By
nature, a child is born, is an infant, is a toddler, is a child, reaches puberty, is an adolescent, is
an adult, and so on. By design, a child goes to pre-school, grammar school, high school, maybe
college, maybe graduate school, and so on. But even these changes do not happen all at once.
Each stage (or step) is broken down into smaller steps so that they are realistically do-able. A
toddler does not get up on his feet one day and play kickball the next. The toddler pulls himself
to his feet and is supported, wobbling, by a chair leg, a wall, or by his fathers arms. The child
takes a step, falls, gets up, tries again, falls again, and for all this failure, each new attempt
brings a success. One day a parent may see her child running the length of a soccer field and
wonder how this came to be. This is how it came to be. In steps and stages.
So it remains when we are adults. The 12 Steps approach to change is only one approach of
many, but I, as a therapist endorse it and encourage you to consider whether it might be a good
path for you. It is not just for people with addictions per se, and it is certainly not reserved for
those with addictions to alcohol and drugs. In the end, it may not be the optimal approach to
change for you in which case there are many others approaches you may consider.
Below, you will find my own wording of the Twelve Steps along with some very brief explanations
and interpretations. You will find that there are a lot of variations which exist. I will try to stick to
that which is common to them all and to that which preserves the essence of the 12 Steps as a
stage approach to change.
1. Decide whether there is something in your life you really want to change. Decide whether you
can make the change on your own. If you really want to make the change but it seems as if you
can't, this is usually what we call a "problem." You'll need to a) admit that there is a problem, and
b) that you are in over your head. If it's not that important, don't worry about it. If it is a problem
but you can fix it, congratulations. Seriously, keep up the good work! If you are in over your
head though and the problem is making a serious mess out of your life, you are going to c) need
to admit you need some help.
2. Decide whether you believe that, even though you can't solve your problem right now,
someone or something else can help and that this help can make a difference. This is the
second step, for although a person may achieve the first step, a person will not pursue their
change if they believe that a) help is not available, or b) that nothing can help them out of this
mess. Pondering this question is very important. It backs up step one. Where there's a way,
there's a will.
3. Decide whether you are going to let yourself be helped. Many people ask for help, but then
tell the helper what to do. This is sometimes and somewhat appropriate. Clearly you are in a
position where even though someone is going to help you, you're going to need to do your part.
Sometimes, that part is telling your helper what it is you do, and do not, need help with. Don't
forget though, the reason someone may be helpful is because they know some things or can do
some things you cannot. It only makes sense that if you need some help, you ask for help, and if
you ask for help you accept that help. Sometimes someone or something else can help us in
ways not yet imagined.
4. Stop lying to yourself. Stop the B.S. It's not doing you any good. Sit down. Be quiet. Be
humble. Be truthful with yourself. It's okay. You may have thought step number one was where
things started, but this is where it starts. This is where you get your second wind. This where you
get your juice.
5. Okay, you stopped lying to yourself, but part of this was accomplished by simply not talking or
thinking about certain things. Some people say the truths you don't admit to are "lies of
omission." Are there parts of the story you aren't including? What is the rest of the story? Step
five involves admitting the exact nature of the things you have done wrong. The things you feel
guilty or ashamed about. Whether you guilt is real or imagined, you must admit to yourself in
your deepest heart and, as well, to at least one other real person the harm and suffering you
have caused to others - all of it. If you are truly interested in taking charge of your life, you
cannot put so much energy into protecting secrets or living in fear that they will be discovered.
Out with it!
6. Decide whether you are going to let yourself be changed. You asked for it and here it is. You
have done your work and you have allowed yourself to be helped. When you decided the first
time that you really wanted change - that it was important to you, that your life was a mess, and
you were in over your head, did you really want the change you were asking for?
7. Ask again.
8. Get ready to set out. Make a list of all persons you have ever harmed and be prepare yourself
to make it up to them. As fear lingers, hurt lingers. Hurt can be soothed and fear can fade.
9. You do not live alone in this world. You can hurt other people. You can help other people.
Others can hurt you. Others can help you. In this ninth step, make it real. If you have ever
lacked power, this is where your power lies. Go directly to all those you have harmed and make
it up to them. Other people live in fear and sorrow and in bitterness. No matter how you may
have contributed to this in the past, you can make an important difference now - a real difference
- a direct difference.
10. Next time, don't wait so long. Work steps one through ten. Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat
again.
11. Through prayer, meditation, quietude, deep reflection and humble honesty ... by repeating
these 12 steps and by whatever means work best, do not loose ground. There is still much that
you don't know. Seek your highest and deepest being. Let every problem arise with a solution,
every hurt with a healing hand. Be at peace with yourself. Be happy and serene.
12. When someone asks you what your life's about, tell them.
The original 12 steps as written for Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939 are as follows:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
To find a Twelve Step program in Portland:
Try the Alano Club at www.portlandalano.org or call 211 and tell them what you're looking for.
Don't forget, you're therapist can be a good resource for you too. 211 is a national number which
helps people in their community to find resources. It is like 911 or 411 but it is a non-emergency
number for all sorts of social services including 12 Step programs and support groups which are
not related to Twelve Step Programs.
Originally associated with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), 12 step programs have become part the
support structure surrounding the treatment of dozens of problems which have been thought to
be "addictive" in nature. Most people have heard of at least of a few, all of which seem to end
with the word "anonymous." There is Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Over-eaters Anonymous (OA),
Gamblers Anonymous ... and many of these add " -aholic" to the name of those struggling with
some issue in order to identify those issues as problems. There is Sexoholics Anonymous,
Workaholics Anonymous, Rageaholics Anonymous, Chocoholics Anonymous, and so on.
My personal complaint about these twelve step programs is the way they've managed to butcher
the English language. This, does not, however, mean that 12 step programs cannot be an
effective means by which to accomplish real and substantial change.
I am well aware of the complaints many have about 12 step programs. Often, it is thought to be
too religious, requiring a belief in god. Some have considered the groups to be cultish, proposing
that "the 12 steps" are the only way. Some object to the idea that "once a _____aholic, always a
_____aholic." Still others have focused on the specifics of their problem area rather than the
general principles of the 12 steps and have created separatist splits with beliefs (for instance)
that alcoholics and drug addicts should not attend the same meetings. Some have taken great
issue with the value (or lack thereof) of "admitting they are helpless to control their lives."
The Twelve Steps as Stages of Change
Breaking change down into a series of steps is something that has made change possible since
the beginning of time. Whether this has happened in nature or by design, it is the same. By
nature, a child is born, is an infant, is a toddler, is a child, reaches puberty, is an adolescent, is
an adult, and so on. By design, a child goes to pre-school, grammar school, high school, maybe
college, maybe graduate school, and so on. But even these changes do not happen all at once.
Each stage (or step) is broken down into smaller steps so that they are realistically do-able. A
toddler does not get up on his feet one day and play kickball the next. The toddler pulls himself
to his feet and is supported, wobbling, by a chair leg, a wall, or by his fathers arms. The child
takes a step, falls, gets up, tries again, falls again, and for all this failure, each new attempt
brings a success. One day a parent may see her child running the length of a soccer field and
wonder how this came to be. This is how it came to be. In steps and stages.
So it remains when we are adults. The 12 Steps approach to change is only one approach of
many, but I, as a therapist endorse it and encourage you to consider whether it might be a good
path for you. It is not just for people with addictions per se, and it is certainly not reserved for
those with addictions to alcohol and drugs. In the end, it may not be the optimal approach to
change for you in which case there are many others approaches you may consider.
Below, you will find my own wording of the Twelve Steps along with some very brief explanations
and interpretations. You will find that there are a lot of variations which exist. I will try to stick to
that which is common to them all and to that which preserves the essence of the 12 Steps as a
stage approach to change.
1. Decide whether there is something in your life you really want to change. Decide whether you
can make the change on your own. If you really want to make the change but it seems as if you
can't, this is usually what we call a "problem." You'll need to a) admit that there is a problem, and
b) that you are in over your head. If it's not that important, don't worry about it. If it is a problem
but you can fix it, congratulations. Seriously, keep up the good work! If you are in over your
head though and the problem is making a serious mess out of your life, you are going to c) need
to admit you need some help.
2. Decide whether you believe that, even though you can't solve your problem right now,
someone or something else can help and that this help can make a difference. This is the
second step, for although a person may achieve the first step, a person will not pursue their
change if they believe that a) help is not available, or b) that nothing can help them out of this
mess. Pondering this question is very important. It backs up step one. Where there's a way,
there's a will.
3. Decide whether you are going to let yourself be helped. Many people ask for help, but then
tell the helper what to do. This is sometimes and somewhat appropriate. Clearly you are in a
position where even though someone is going to help you, you're going to need to do your part.
Sometimes, that part is telling your helper what it is you do, and do not, need help with. Don't
forget though, the reason someone may be helpful is because they know some things or can do
some things you cannot. It only makes sense that if you need some help, you ask for help, and if
you ask for help you accept that help. Sometimes someone or something else can help us in
ways not yet imagined.
4. Stop lying to yourself. Stop the B.S. It's not doing you any good. Sit down. Be quiet. Be
humble. Be truthful with yourself. It's okay. You may have thought step number one was where
things started, but this is where it starts. This is where you get your second wind. This where you
get your juice.
5. Okay, you stopped lying to yourself, but part of this was accomplished by simply not talking or
thinking about certain things. Some people say the truths you don't admit to are "lies of
omission." Are there parts of the story you aren't including? What is the rest of the story? Step
five involves admitting the exact nature of the things you have done wrong. The things you feel
guilty or ashamed about. Whether you guilt is real or imagined, you must admit to yourself in
your deepest heart and, as well, to at least one other real person the harm and suffering you
have caused to others - all of it. If you are truly interested in taking charge of your life, you
cannot put so much energy into protecting secrets or living in fear that they will be discovered.
Out with it!
6. Decide whether you are going to let yourself be changed. You asked for it and here it is. You
have done your work and you have allowed yourself to be helped. When you decided the first
time that you really wanted change - that it was important to you, that your life was a mess, and
you were in over your head, did you really want the change you were asking for?
7. Ask again.
8. Get ready to set out. Make a list of all persons you have ever harmed and be prepare yourself
to make it up to them. As fear lingers, hurt lingers. Hurt can be soothed and fear can fade.
9. You do not live alone in this world. You can hurt other people. You can help other people.
Others can hurt you. Others can help you. In this ninth step, make it real. If you have ever
lacked power, this is where your power lies. Go directly to all those you have harmed and make
it up to them. Other people live in fear and sorrow and in bitterness. No matter how you may
have contributed to this in the past, you can make an important difference now - a real difference
- a direct difference.
10. Next time, don't wait so long. Work steps one through ten. Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat
again.
11. Through prayer, meditation, quietude, deep reflection and humble honesty ... by repeating
these 12 steps and by whatever means work best, do not loose ground. There is still much that
you don't know. Seek your highest and deepest being. Let every problem arise with a solution,
every hurt with a healing hand. Be at peace with yourself. Be happy and serene.
12. When someone asks you what your life's about, tell them.
The original 12 steps as written for Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939 are as follows:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
- them or others.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
To find a Twelve Step program in Portland:
Try the Alano Club at www.portlandalano.org or call 211 and tell them what you're looking for.
Don't forget, you're therapist can be a good resource for you too. 211 is a national number which
helps people in their community to find resources. It is like 911 or 411 but it is a non-emergency
number for all sorts of social services including 12 Step programs and support groups which are
not related to Twelve Step Programs.
It's not about the booze.
Nevertheless, 12 Step programs
tend to focus on specific addictions
and this may be okay. These
attachments called "addictions"
often present themselves in specific
forms initially. In Alcoholics
Anonymous, there is a stage of
change which is identified as a
false change and this, they call a
"dry drunk." This means an
alcoholic is abstaining from alcohol,
but is still living in a manner
characterized by addiction. It is
when someone has taken a detour
into this stage, that people in 12
Step programs see that, well, it's
not about the booze, or the food, or
the gambling. It is about something
else.
Please see my pages on other
ways of understanding "Stages
of Change." They have much in
common.
12 Step programs as they are
known, exist in every city and every
neighborhood. They tend to be
support groups without professional
leaders or permanent leaders of
any sort. Nevertheless, they are
usually fairly structured. Individuals
are usually encouraged to seek out
a personal "sponsor" who acts as a
mentor and oftentimes, a friend.
The original 12 Steps were for
those dependent upon alcohol for
their well being. The original text
can be found at the bottom of this
page.
Those interested in participating in
12 Step groups are often advised
to "shop around" until they find one
which feels right for them. So much
have people done this that beyond
the identified addictions, groups
are subdivided by a number of
criteria. There may be groups for
men,groups for women, groups for
teens, groups for business
professionals, and some groups
identify themselves by the time of
day they meet.
As I may have stated before, I do
not believe "addictions" to be
something special. According to
my buddhist-based views, nearly all
problems in life are caused by
addictions. Buddhists call this
"attachment," and although others
may not use buddhist terminology,
these buddhist views can be found
embedded deeply in most current
psychologies and theories on
human suffering.
Something simple and central to
most Twelve Step programs is
something called the Serenity
Prayer. I have often told people that
if I could sum of the best of
psychotherapy in just a few words,
this would be it.
The Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot
change, the strength to change
the things I can, and the wisdom
to know the difference.
12 Step meetings are often
concluded with the words:
"Keep coming back. It works."
Nevertheless, 12 Step programs
tend to focus on specific addictions
and this may be okay. These
attachments called "addictions"
often present themselves in specific
forms initially. In Alcoholics
Anonymous, there is a stage of
change which is identified as a
false change and this, they call a
"dry drunk." This means an
alcoholic is abstaining from alcohol,
but is still living in a manner
characterized by addiction. It is
when someone has taken a detour
into this stage, that people in 12
Step programs see that, well, it's
not about the booze, or the food, or
the gambling. It is about something
else.
Please see my pages on other
ways of understanding "Stages
of Change." They have much in
common.
12 Step programs as they are
known, exist in every city and every
neighborhood. They tend to be
support groups without professional
leaders or permanent leaders of
any sort. Nevertheless, they are
usually fairly structured. Individuals
are usually encouraged to seek out
a personal "sponsor" who acts as a
mentor and oftentimes, a friend.
The original 12 Steps were for
those dependent upon alcohol for
their well being. The original text
can be found at the bottom of this
page.
Those interested in participating in
12 Step groups are often advised
to "shop around" until they find one
which feels right for them. So much
have people done this that beyond
the identified addictions, groups
are subdivided by a number of
criteria. There may be groups for
men,groups for women, groups for
teens, groups for business
professionals, and some groups
identify themselves by the time of
day they meet.
As I may have stated before, I do
not believe "addictions" to be
something special. According to
my buddhist-based views, nearly all
problems in life are caused by
addictions. Buddhists call this
"attachment," and although others
may not use buddhist terminology,
these buddhist views can be found
embedded deeply in most current
psychologies and theories on
human suffering.
Something simple and central to
most Twelve Step programs is
something called the Serenity
Prayer. I have often told people that
if I could sum of the best of
psychotherapy in just a few words,
this would be it.
The Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot
change, the strength to change
the things I can, and the wisdom
to know the difference.
12 Step meetings are often
concluded with the words:
"Keep coming back. It works."
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